if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
