Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
