office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I want a musical about memes.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
