i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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