He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
