My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
