I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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