He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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