I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
