I wish I could punch you in the face.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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