And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
