I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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