tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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