I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
