ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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