Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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