No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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