i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
