my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
