I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
