apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
