Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
