It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
