Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
