well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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