totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
