Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize