why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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