I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
