Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
