So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
