After last night, I could never be a politician.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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