I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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