We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize