'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
