Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
