i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
