Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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