i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize