Cold hands, warm shart.
Can Purell be used as lube?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
