Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Let's get the cat blown out
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
