The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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