You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
