3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
