I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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