Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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