Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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