Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize