Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
