I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
