My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Randomize
