does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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