hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
