I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
