I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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