Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
