I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
