Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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