my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
