somebody snuck up and got me drunk
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Two words: blizzard sex
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
